Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Curse of the WHAMMM!

The Curse of the WHAMMM!

A terrible scourge is loose upon our land.  It is responsible for virtually all of the ills of our civilization.  What is this wretched presence?  It's the curse of the White Heterosexual American Middle-aged Middle-class Male (the "WHAMMM"!).

The WHAMMM is easy to locate and identify.  He can often be found in his study, indiscriminately writing checks in a vain attempt to gain respect.  His M.O. is familiar.  He entered adolescence at a time when Ike was president, Ozzie and Harriet were on TV, Catholics couldn't eat meat on Friday, Protestants couldn't play much on Sunday, and the president of General Motors was considered successful.  He knowingly and maliciously studied in high school and college; he says because he thought hard work would lead to success.  Can't you sense the insidiousness of it all?  While in school, he even worked part-time; his first overt grab at economic domination.  As a young man (notice, not a young person), he feigned admiration for the civil rights efforts of the '60s; it was his way of trying to divide and coopt the movement.  He said he mistrusted communism; a hint of his attitude toward the working class.  He talked liberal politics, said he liked Jack Kennedy, wore a coat and tie to Church (he often went), and was a virgin for longer than he wanted to be; his first real efforts at dissembling.

As he grew older, he began to subtly discriminate against women by standing when they entered the room, opening doors for them – you know – generally being more polite than he had to be.  In college he studied economics and even enjoyed a course in Money and Banking.  otherwise, college had the typical pre-WHAMMM diversions; sports, Playboy, male only locker rooms, ROTC and the like.

He then entered the service.  He will tell you it was a chance to grow, mature, meet new people, see new places, serve his country.  Sure.  With the privilege of his commission – bestowed upon him by former WHAMMMs – his development accelerated.  He lived in a totally male world, trained in the use of force, learned to give orders, and was waited on by what amounted to indentured servants on the ships, in the clubs, and at the BOQ.  After the service, there was graduate school on the GI bill, the evening network news (male anchors only), late nights in the library, Saturday night drinking sprees, Sunday afternoon football, and a pliant wife who worked hard for a paycheck in order to finance this orgy of self-indulgence.  The pattern was now developing in earnest.

He completed graduate school, got a job, moved to a new town, and immediately impregnated his wife; several children quickly followed.  He promptly abandoned his family for his high-rise office and from time to time seemed to actually enjoy his work – a fact he was constantly required to deny.  At the office, he was able to bond with other WHAMMM s (and soon-to-be WHAMMMs) so that in conspiracy with WHAMMMs the country over, they could protect, preserve, and defend their privilege.  As time went on, WHAMMMs reluctantly allowed women to enter their domain at the office, but always in limited numbers, never giving up control.  His misogynism was always evident.  On the surface, he said that women too could become WHAMMMs, and then sabotaged this effort by insisting they do all the things that WHAMMMs required of each other.  Rampant heterosexuality began to surface as he clung to his fragile identity.

At first he supported public schools – he says for as long as he could.  As he and other WHAMMMs placed their children in the cushy comfort of private schools, he lamely asserted that the metal detectors and body searches scared his children and that the sale of condoms at the middle school field day was not quite right.  With this move, he was out of the closet.  He was now openly refusing to allow his children to mix with others who were simply different and was directly turning his back on the reproductive freedom of teenagers.

The rest of the story is familiar.  He moved from an apartment to the first house and then to the second.  As his income grew, he cleverly allowed his expenses to grow yet faster.  This had the merit of making those relying on him more reliant still; they were simply being trapped by his guile.  He continued to work six days a week.  He listened to the State of the Union address each year, paid his taxes virtually as owed, backed the blue, bought massive amounts of luxury goods, cigarettes, and liquor, and rarely ate a meal at home.  With his newfound stature, he maneuvered himself into a position where he was almost always able to pick up the check at dinner (in his pre- WHAMMM stage, others beat him to it; he now always seemed to be first).  He managed to pay the maximum amounts for social security, Medicare, real estate taxes, sales taxes, ad valorem taxes (of course he bought three cars) and virtually never ran a toll booth.  He borrowed heavily (other banking WHAMMMs made credit readily available), and made favored real estate investments in apartment projects with the prospect of huge returns.  In short, he had it all.

That's his M.O.  Identify him and stop him before it's too late.  Raise his taxes, increase his tolls, surcharge his liquor, increase his tuitions, send him additional unsolicited credit cards, impose sales taxes on his services, interrupt his cable TV reception; in short, anything and everything must be done to stop the curse of the WHAMMM.  It is for the good of us all.



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